Friday, June 02, 2006

Poking Fun at Scientology

Do you know what an 'assist' is? Yes, i meant to use it as a noun. In scientology, an 'assist' is exactly this: pointing at people to heal them.

There are two kinds of assist: the Nerve Assist (pointing at people), and the Touch Assist (poking people). These are meant to heal you of psychological and physical trauma. Scientologists are so serious about this that they are training Volunteer Ministers and sending them all around the world to poke and prod survivors of tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes and other publicity-gaining disasters.

I can train you to be a Volunteer Minister right now:

  1. Take both hands and curl them into fists.
  2. Now extend the index finger of your right hand without uncurling the other fingers of that hand.
  3. Do the same with the left hand.
  4. Now, angle both hands so that the tips of your index fingers are pointing directly at someone.
  5. For a better effect, try pointing at the exact area that requires healing.
  6. If that fails, try moving your hands closer to the person, until the tips of your extended index fingers are in contact with the area requiring healing.
  7. Congratulations! You are now a qualified Volunteer Minister for the Church of Scientology!
Seriously, can you image it: you've just had your entire life swept away by Hurricane Katrina, you're lying on a makeshift stretcher, your only possession the tattered clothes on your back, no idea where your family is... and someone in a yellow shirt comes over and asks if they can point at you? How do people take this seriously?

Here's some more fun at the expense of scientology: The Onion reports on the new religion sweeping across the globe: Fictionology.

And a biography of L. Ron Hubbard in its entirety, online. I am so going to read this.


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